FAMILIES AND FESTIVITIES—A HOLIDAY FANTASY?

A Hallmark card commercial from a few decades ago, reduced me to tears every time I watched it or thought about it back then, and as I remember it again in order to describe it, I am once again tearing up.

The family, young and old, is gathered in the bright-with-lights Christmas-decorated home.  The viewer can actually feel the warmth from the jolly fire and smell all the pungent aromas wafting from the kitchen—but someone is missing, which is manifested by a few worried glances at watches and clocks and each other, but being a resilient family, and one for whom the holidays really are a blessing and joy, they begin to sing their carols! 

Then, we, the viewer, see the latecomer arrive at the front door, set down his duffel bag and burst in to song along with the family!  Of course they hear his voice and surround him with all the love and joy all families are expected to feel at holiday time. 

Point I am making, is that holidays are filled with fantasies and expectations that might very well work for many many people and their families.  Great!

And, over decades of counseling clients, and more decades sharing with friends, I believe that for just as many folk, if not more, holidays with their families—or without them—can be closer to nightmares.

The following imaginary scenarios (composites of many clients) are calls typical of the calls I receive from potential clients around the holidays: 

A woman calls looking for grief support groups and / or grief counseling on an individual basis.  “This is my first Christmas without my husband,” she shares, and begins to cry, ever so gently.

Because I live in an entirely awesome community, I would be able to refer her to Beach Cities Health District, where so many physical, emotional and spiritual needs of all of us who live around here can be met***

I feel especially positive when I am able to connect grieving callers such as this dear woman to a specific group for widowers  and widows.   Though I offer additional support for those grieving by offering one-to-one counseling, there is nothing like being with others who are in the same place, dealing with the same issues. 

Another holiday call might be like my call from a couple, "Brian" and "Danielle" (both, a composite of many clients--not real people).  Here is a my imaginary conversation with Brian and his wife "Danielle"  who are “beyond tired” of holiday struggles, such as the following:

·        For all the years Brian and his wife, "Danielle," have been married—eight—they have gone along with his parents’ and her parents’ expectations that they will appear either on the eve of the holiday and / or the day of the holiday at one or another’s family

·        Only those agreements have never worked out, really, and disappointments and un-happinesses from both families over the years have left Brian and Danielle tense and conflicted as the holidays approach

·        Now they have a four-year-old son, and a baby daughter and as much as they want their families and extended families to be a huge part of their children’s lives during the holidays, they are both feeling resentful about “dragging” their children away from their own homes during the holidays.

“I mean we’ll have the tree up and the house all decorated and we won’t even be here for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day,” Brian lamented

“I am sure I might sound revolutionary,” I told Brian, “but how about telling your families that it is time for you and your children to celebrate at least Christmas in your own home, and they are invited to join you?”

“Omigosh,” he blurted out.  “I cannot even imagine how that could ever work.  I mean, we would be breaking years of family traditions!”

“And may I ask you, Brian, if all of those years-old traditions are still meaningful?” 

“To be honest?  Whoah!  Danielle’s family seems to think holidays are the occasion to drink too much and argue a lot!” he chuckles quietly.  “Including St Patrick’s, Memorial Day, the 4^th, and Labor Day!  No, even Danielle acknowledges her family can be really not pleasant when they are around each other for long periods of time.  In fact I called you because she said she actually dreaded  Christmas Day at her family’s this year.”

“And your family?” I ask.

“My family, my parents, are the total opposite of Danielle’s family.  They are just plain boring.  You know, the basic moral values, live by the Golden Rule, and be the Pillar of the Church and the Community—and they are good people, and while I would not say I dread going to my folks’ house for Christmas, I resent going there this year.  I want my children to be right here for Christmas eve and Christmas day.”

Brian and Danielle have come to see me in counseling twice so far.  The three of us have worked on Brian’s and Danielle’s real feelings about their own families and their in-law families.  

As each experiences, faces, acknowledges and shares about those complexities, they are coming closer to offering their home, with their tree and their decorations to all family members—which day and which times to be negotiated by the families.  Although they are imaginary composites of typical families and individuals I have seen in my practice over the year, the challenges are typical of the things we all face during the holidays every year.

If you and your family fit in to the Hallmark family—and I so envy you if you do—you are most likely not even reading this.  However, if your family holidays create, stress, tension, discomfort, even anger, you might want to make some changes, and you just might find some ideas in this continuing series of columns.

Column Archives           Diana's Blog

Call or E-Mail us now to make an appointment