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DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Oh yes, you know who they are. Chatty Cathy or Chatty Chuck, who talk much and say little. The Know-It-All, always out to make you look less than—just go ahead and say something, they’ll top it. The Whiner, with ‘everything is wrong and nothing is ok’—I know a woman who has never eaten a meal in my presence that has been satisfactory in any way! She even found fault with the color of the salsa in a Mexican restaurant! And on and on, so many varieties of difficult people abound. You know these people. You work with them. They are your neighbors. They are members of your family! And just in case you think I am not including you and me in this catalogue, please think again! Any one of us can find ourselves being difficult under stress, or when we feel backed into a corner, or undervalued, or in any potentially “difficult” situation. Difficult people frustrate us. If we allow them to, they can undermine our work and our relationships. When we engage negatively with them we can feel disempowered. And, they just plain make us crazy. Difficult people are difficult because underneath their unpleasant attitudes and behaviors, they feel powerless, impotent-- as if they have no impact on their worlds! Think about that for a minute. Believing one is unimportant feels awful. Acting out in an unpleasant and difficult manner gets one lots of attention. It can feel empowering, but it is toxic and counter-productive. If you think a bit more about difficult people, you will realize that their off-putting behavior usually comes in three varieties—the aggressive bully; the passive yes-person; and the passive-aggressive hit-and-run artist. Passive-aggressive, by the way, is grumpily agreeing to do the dishes and then letting one slip through one’s fingers to shatter into pieces on the floor. “Opps. Sorry, I told you I am not good at house work.” Dealing with difficult people takes two forms—what you do and what you don’t. The don’ts; Don’t ever argue with difficult people, try to convince them of anything, or attempt to change them. The do’s; 1) Be direct, honest and straightforward. AND 2) Form an alliance. The Bully Look at the Bully. This is the person who lets you know that you had better follow or get out of the way. It is hard to believe by this person’s fearsome stance that he or she actually feels unimportant, but I encourage you to take the idea as reality. The Bully responds to both directness and alliance. When you respond to his or her “in your face” behavior with a simple, “I disagree,” or “You interrupted me,” the Bully will soon begin to respect you. When you follow directness with alliance, such as “I believe you are saying something valuable,” you have disarmed your difficult person. The Yes-Person The yes-person, always agreeable and yet never following through, is fearful of losing approval and also of not being able to perform adequately. This difficult one responds first to alliance in the form of simply being friendly. Listen to them “reflectively”, which means “reflecting” back to them what they say so they feel less invisible and more potent. Eventually, become direct with them, reminding them that saying “no” is acceptable. The Hit-and-Run Artist The Hit-And-Run-Artist is always a challenge, because they are indirect. Passive-aggressive people are aggressive, they just don’t’ want you or others to know it. Their behavior can be experienced as a stealth attack, as when their humor has an edge to it, directed at you. Directness works with the passive-aggressive difficult person--“Did I hear an edge in your voice?” “Are you trying to diss me?”—because they are used to getting away with their indirect behavior. Knowing that you will bring the details out into the open makes this covert strategy less appealing. But it works only over time and with great consistency, because they are used to getting away with their indirect behavior. They may respond with, “I was only teasing!” “Where’s your sense of humor?” They deny what they were trying to accomplish: making you feel less-than. They challenge your sense of reality, and you just feel it is too much trouble, or too painful to be direct once again. But be direct again and do not let them get away with unkindness camouflaged as humor. Since the hit-and-run artist also endeavors to form false alliances, pretending to be on your side, even your friend, until it suits them to abandon you, never attempt an alliance with these folk. They are artists at knowing how to turn any such effort against you, and you do not deserve that! Try one of these strategies with a difficult person you know and see how you fare—then please let me know.
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